The English language is over 1,400 years old, with over 171,000 words. Some of the most moving speeches and fantastical, mythical worlds were made and created in English. Yet we still lack the adequate language to express our condolences.
We’ve all known someone who has been through the loss of a loved one. I recently had a friend whose parents died, and I was informed via group text. While I thought about what to say, I observed the group’s responses. They included various versions of “I’m sorry”, “we’re thinking of you”, and “my condolences.” Those phrases rubbed me the wrong way and somehow seemed insincere. I grew frustrated, not with how my friends reacted, but rather with the English language. I struggled to come up with words that could convey comfort without using the generic “I’m sorry” or “my condolences” and I was limited in my options.
Language Matters
Language is fluid. It is influenced by history and cultural norms – it evolves. And the words we choose to express ourselves with have both conscious and unconscious impacts on our psyche. Research has been conducted on how our internal dialogue directly affects our views and actions in the world. Positive thoughts can lead to positive outcomes and vice versa. But there are also words used in society that we subconsciously internalize and draw messages from. And although expressing condolences as an apology may not seem harmful, some of the messages we internalize from using that language makes it harder for us as a society to accept death and the burdens that come with it.
I’m Sorry…
Apologies are an acknowledgement of an offence or a failure. Therefore, using I’m sorry implies that the individual saying it has a stake in it. Although the individual may at times know that it is not their own fault, apologizing for something out of their control places an unconscious burden on the individual saying it. Where although they might not have any control over what happened, they now subconsciously think that they could have done something.
Americans apologize constantly, even for things that aren’t their fault. Have you ever apologized to someone for something you clearly knew wasn’t your fault? Like when someone accidentally bumps into you or if someone drops something? Many times others apologize, even though it wasn’t their fault. It reinforces the idea that individuals have control. And many times lack of control is interpreted as flaws in character. The underlying thought persists that there is more they could have done or they should have done. And the compounded effect of apologizing for ordinary acts skews our perceptions of where our control truly lies. It makes it harder for us to recognize times when we need to let go and times when we can actually do something.
We want to believe that we are in control of our lives. So expressing loss in a form that frames it as if we had any is appealing. But without the proper language to express our condolences, that doesn’t blame the self, it makes it much harder to accept and face death. Maybe it makes the grief more bearable in the moment. But I think it makes it harder for us to face the fact that death comes for us all; it’s a natural part of life.
To live was to swear an oath to death.
Hafsah Faizal, We Free the Stars
A Culture of Death Avoidance
The act of apologizing when expressing condolences reflects a culture that avoids death. Rather than accepting it as a natural process, we view it as a shameful part of our existence. It’s a topic we don’t talk or think about much, and certainly don’t like lingering in the uncomfortableness of it. We skirt around the topic and use expressions like ‘passed’ and ‘moved on’ instead of saying ‘died.’ This avoidance and softening of language make it harder to face death, whether it’s from people around us or when our own time comes. It keeps death at arm’s length living as an idea rather than a reality.
Apologizing, when expressing condolences, seems like the brainless, emotionless answer. They are such ordinary words that it doesn’t allow our brains to linger on the gravity of the matter. We can simply apologize, like we do most days, brush it off, and keep on living without affecting our moods. It stops us from feeling a loss entirely and thinking of the reality of death. I could have quickly said I’m sorry to my friend and continued my day, but instead, I had to think about how she was feeling, what it must be like, and think about the pain of losing a parent.
We aren’t taught how to deal with this universal part of life. We view death as an enemy because the pain of losing someone seems unbearable. We are scared and unprepared for these emotions that are ultimately unavoidable. Rather than facing the truth and talking about death with our kids or talking about it with our friends, we find coping mechanisms that help us avoid them for as long as possible. And when they finally catch up to us, we aren’t ready for it. Or as ready as we could have been.
See Related: 23 Hauntingly Beautiful Quotes about Death
The Difficulty of Ageing in Western Cultures
Ageing in western cultures is difficult. As a society, rather than cherishing our elders, respecting them, and seeking their wisdom, we try and forget about them. Instead, we say they are out of touch, losing their minds, and they become obsolete. And we put them in nursing homes and try and forget about them. We would rather not be faced with the idea of death and its reality because we have no control of it. And it’s much easier to ignore it if we don’t see it. Out of sight, out of mind. We don’t see a gradual decline in people. Either people are young or old. And when they die, we are shocked because it seems so sudden.
The U.S, for example, is an individualistic society, meaning that they value autonomy. We celebrate any act of independence, baby’s first steps, or moving out of the house. And therefore, when we grow old we lose this independence. When we need to start relying on others, it becomes extremely difficult. An ageing person feels like a burden to their family because they’ve lost one of the most important values in American society. Their family now has to help them whether it be physically, like moving back into the house or financially, paying for medical bills of nursing homes. And because of the hustle and bustle nature of our society taking care of elders can be seen as a burden and a nuisance.
The U.S. is also a doing culture, rather than a being. We believe in action; we do not sit and let life happen; we make things happen. We think that we have a lot of control in life, but we lose more and more of it as we age. And it’s tough to grasp the idea of having no control over death. So ageing is even more challenging because we are also losing the ability to have control over our life.
To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone
What’s the Best way to Express our Condolences
I tried looking for better expressions of condolences in other languages and cultures. But they were all variations of the same things. The more I think about this, the more I believe that maybe there simply are no words to express our condolences adequately. And what does it matter what we say when no words will ever be nearly enough. I wish I could come up with a list of what to say to make things easier. But that’s not really how this part of life works. Grief takes on so many forms that there is no telling how to appropriately react and provide comfort to those in pain.
And maybe, in the end, the best we can do is be by their side and face this grief with them even though we might not understand, know the feeling, or have the right words. But we can have the compassion to understand what our friends are going through and not let them face it alone.