‘Dare to Lead’ is the first Brené Brown book I’ve read, and I am so glad that I did. I bought her book ahead of hearing her speak at the 2021 Conference for Women in Philadelphia and I also started listening to her podcast of the same name.
I wanted to take the time here and discuss one of the most interesting and insightful parts of the book where I learned what my values are and how it has helped me better understand the world around me.
Synopsis
Living Into Your Values
Living Into Your Values was a short section of the book but by far my favourite, which I now share with most people around me. This part of the book focuses on the importance of leaders making authentic decisions. As leaders, we must understand what we value in order to make genuine decisions and act upon those values. Our values can guide us in our decision making whether at work or in everyday life. They can direct our thought process and make us ask “Does this choice align with my values? ”
The values that Brown describes remind me of the hosts in the HBO series Westworld. Hosts, robots designed to mimic human beings, are programmed with key attributes, determining their personality, shaping their narratives. This is their core programming, and like the hosts, we have our own core programming that helps drive our decisions, our values. But unlike hosts where a computer program tells them their attributes, we develop ours over time and are influenced by our upbringing.
Here is a list of values presented in the book. The goal is to come up with your two highest priority values. I created a list of the words that resonated with me the most (listed below) and, from there, narrowed it down to two (highlighted in blue). The key here is that these values are not who you are or what you want to be. These are values that are the driving factor behind your decisions.
| List of Important Values: |
| Collaboration |
| Courage |
| Leadership |
| Optimism |
| Time |
Value #1: TIME
I didn’t have to think twice once I saw this word on the list. Time is one of my biggest values because I constantly feel like I am running out of time. And I don’t like wasting time. Because of this, I love efficiency and optimization both at home and at work. From maximizing my relaxation time to figuring out the best way to load the dishwasher. I don’t have time to waste; there are too many things I want to do and people I want to be, and not enough time. And I’ve never related to a quote more truly than when Sylvia Plath said:
“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited.”
Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
Although collaboration, leadership, and optimism didn’t make my core values, they all contribute and are a subset of time. Both leadership and collaboration allow me to have a broad impact in a shorter amount of time than I could do independently. Whether it’s coming up with great ideas, implementing programs, or making effective and efficient decisions.
And I think we underestimate the value that optimism has on saving time. Getting buy-in for an idea or project takes significantly more time with pessimists. More time is spent persuading them not to shut the idea down rather than improving it. And if they could simply believe that the concept could work, we could get so much more done in that time.
See related post: 16 Enticing Quotes about Time
Value #2: COURAGE
The second value was more challenging to pinpoint. Ultimately, I found that leadership, collaboration, and optimism all fall under courage. It takes courage to lead and bear that responsibility. It takes courage to be vulnerable and collaborate, to set aside our egos, share our ideas and even ask for help. And it takes a whole lot of courage to be an optimist when everything around us can so quickly bring us down.
I’ve realized that I get frustrated when people use fear as a driver in their decision making which often leads to them opting out of experiences. They say things like I could never do that, or you are so brave. And it’s frustrating because they can be brave too. Courage isn’t a limited commodity available to a select few. Brown points out that courage can be taught and learned, like any other skill. And George R.R. Martin said, “The only time a man can be brave is when he is afraid.”
I often hear people tell me I am brave for doing things that I personally don’t consider brave, like going to the movies by myself. For me, that is not an act of bravery, but for others that are scared of doing that, consider it really brave. Bravery like many other things is a matter of perspective. But there is a difference because when I am afraid of doing something, I don’t let it stop me. If it is worth doing, I do it anyway.
The only time a man can be brave is when he is afraid.
George R.R. Martin, A Dance with Dragons
What Hogwarts house do I really belong in?
One of my favourite things to ask people is what Harry Potter house they are in. Primarily for fun, but also to quickly understand what their values are. I took the official sorting quiz on Pottermore when I was a freshman in college and was sorted into Hufflepuff. I prided myself in being a Hufflepuff whose primary value is loyalty. But when I retook it as a senior, I was sorted into Gryffindor, whose value is bravery. Now, this may seem trivial, but I thought I valued loyalty over courage, so I continued associating myself with Hufflepuff until I finished reading ‘Dare to Lead’. After thinking about these values and picking courage, I realized that I am, in fact, a Gryffindor.
A Harry Potter sorting quiz is not a scientific or accurate way of assessing personalities. But because most people are familiar with it, it can be helpful in quickly determining people’s values and starting these kinds of discussions.
See related post: 12 Wise Quotes about Courage found in Fantasy Books
The Importance of Our Values
After finishing the book, I was so excited to share this insight that I’ve been asking all of my friends and family what their values are. Understanding their values helps me be a better friend. By understanding what matters to them, I am able to comprehend their decisions, their personality, and support them better. And I hope by telling them mine they have the same clarity.
In hindsight, it’s clear to see that I was already making decisions based on these values. But actually, defining these values has helped me understand why I made those decisions. And recognizing my values will help me make more conscious decisions in the future and minimize feelings of regret and remorse. Defining our values and those of the people around us helps us better navigate our world by understanding intentions, minimizing misunderstandings, and having more honest conversations.
MEMORABLE QUOTES
About Courage
“The courage to be vulnerable is not about winning or losing, it’s about the courage to show up when you can’t predict or control the outcome.”
page xviii
“So often we think of courage as an inherent trait; however, it is less about who we are, and more about how they behave and show up in difficult situations.”
Page 11
“The true underlying obstacle to brave leadership is how we respond to fear.“
pabe 12
About Trust
“We trust people who earned marbles over time in our life. Whenever someone supports you, or is kind to you, or honors what you share with them as private, you put marbles in the jar. When people are mean, or disrespectful, or share your secrets, marbles come out. We look for the people who, over time, put marbles in, and in, and in, until you look up one day and they’re holding a full jar. Those are the folks you can tell your secrest to. Those are the folks you trust with information that’s important to you.”
page 31
“It turns out that trust is in fact earned in the smallest moments. It is earned not through heroic deed, or even highly visible actions, but through paying attention, listening, and gestures of genuine care and connection.”
page 32
About Feelings
“To feel is to be vulnerable. Believing that vulnerability is weakness is believing that feeling is weakness.”
Page 42
“Leaders must either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings, or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behavior.”
Page 67
About Curiosity
“Curiosity is the feeling of deprivation we experience when we identify and focus on a gap in our knowledge”
Page 174
“Curiosity and knowledge-building grow together -the more we know, the more we want to know”
Page 175
REFERENCeS
- Dare to Lead Book
- Dare to Lead Podcast
- Dare to Lead Hub
- List of Values
- 16 Enticing Quotes About Time
- 12 Wise Quotes about Courage found in Fantasy Books
- Pottermore
- A Dance with Dragons by George R.R. Martin
- Westworld, HBO Series
- The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath by Sylvia Plath
